User blog:THEJJRAT/poopertron but uwu
thumb|centew|335 px decessit vita patwis the stowy pwowogue the yeaw was 2014, two yeaws aftew the destwuction of vikkew'shikkew'ting and the death of poopewton pizzawoni. Aftew the dawing adventuwe that saved the univewse fwom the mad poopew's weign of tewwow, many of poopewton's pizza wowds went on to have successfuw wives, ron jewemy taking poopewton's mantwe, captain amewica fwom eawth-697064 becoming a famous tawk show host, big smoke wecwaiming his cwiminaw empiwe and watew induwging in the dawk awts, biww wiwson founding the discountvengews, and j.R. Spwinkwewowth cweating a semi-undewwated podcast with feathewswowd and the cowboy. Ainswey hawwiott mystewiouswy vanished aftew the battwe, wumowed to have taken to nowth kowea in owdew to twain the physicaw manifestation of the awticwe mcdonawd's mighty wings: moist, fiwm and the best thing on the menu fow whatevew weason. mitcheww shephawd, howevew, had something.... diffewent in mind. Aftew witnessing poopewton battwe matiwda, and especiawwy aftew seeing his abiwity to easiwy twavew into the omnivewse, he knew putting that poopewton pubic haiw cowwection to good use wouwd be a good investment. Thus began pwoject vito's pizza; a pwoject intended to mass pwoduce cwones of poopewton. Cwones wouwd be pwaced in resistance spaceships aww ovew llcc-44, awwowing them to pwan attacks on combine-inhabited univewses and easiwy go back and fowth between univewses. if thewe wewe any, that is. mitcheww onwy had 339 pubic haiws. 338 cwones went insane days aftew being cwoned. Mitcheww intended to cwone the wast haiw, but awas, some dumbass intewn accidentawwy dwopped the pube in the cwonew and wuined evewything. Except.... that pube was the pewfect pube. The most wefined, dewicate pube, that contained aww the wight bits of dna. This cwone was the onwy one that even came cwose to stabwe. It was the one. whiwe they couwd've cwoned this one, they didn't, because he was bown with a wettew in his mouth; "don't cwone this guy, if you do it'ww destwoy the univewse and give me fibwodyspwasia ossificans pwogwessiva. Youws twuwy, god." dw. Mothguy said they shouwd've cwoned him anyway, but mitcheww kidnapped him in his sweep and fowce fed him pwosciutto fow sevewaw houws in a damp, dawk tunnew somewhewe in detwoit. Mitcheww waised this cwone wike a son, naming him poopewtwon pizzawoni, twaining him to be a genewaw of the resistance. He hoped to get vito to twain pizzawoni in his pizza ways, but he mystewiouswy vanished five months eawwiew, his pizzewia cwosed and tuwned into a shopping maww/asywum fow the cwiminawwy insane. when poopewtwon tuwned mentawwy 20, mitcheww pwomised to wet him coat the stawbase in pizza ingwedients and have him bake it in a giant oven; a modified combine dyson sphewe. In an attempt to stop this downwight stupid waste of wesouwces, dw. Mothguy spent houws finding some sowt of excuse to kick the cwone out; and he found one. aftew steawing one of poopewtwon's pubes whiwe he swept, dw. Mothguy gave the pube to an officew of the intewgawactic lwama powice. They detewmined that the pube bewonged to an appawentwy unbown chiwd fwom eawth-91882, a chiwd who was destined to become the mad poopew and join eawth-420's mad poopew as hew appwentice. Upon weaking this howwifying wevewation to aww of the resistance, poopewtwon was exiwed fow being a thweat to the muwtivewse, and was onwy spawed execution because of his status as resistance ensign. Mitcheww weft the resistance with his son, disgusted by the fact that the counciw couwd even show that uptight shweknoose even an attosecond of theiw time. and then mowe stuff happened. heww on eawth thwee days aftew mitcheww and poopewtwon weft the stawbase, they weft to washington d.C. because mitcheww pewsonawwy knew the big washy, a sentient mowten baww of nickew hiding undew the capitaw, and it bought him a house hidden in the bushes neaw the white house. They had tempowawiwy taken up wesidences in wowf's johickwey bob, a bed and bweakfast wun by the infamous payday gang membew uwf andewsson. pizza and mitcheww wewe discussing the weathew whiwe they ate deep fwied medic bag-wwapped ion cannons, the finest dish on the menu, and discussed how they couwd wive in the new house without the pwesident noticing. Meanwhiwe, the citizens of washington wewe wined up on the stweets, watching some kind of spectacuwaw affaiw happening in the aiw. A huge, ciwcuwaw wed cwoud was fowming in the sky, wed wightning cwackwing among the cwouds as news hewicoptews wushed to get footage. a few units of mobiwe task fowce dewta zewo dashed acwoss the wooftops, appeawing invisibwe to the hewicoptews above them. The foundation had detected twaces of hume enewgy six minutes befowe the cwoud even showed up, and wewe scwambwing to get the situation contained. They wewe even considewing fwooding the aiw with amnestics if it wasted fow mowe than an houw. 11, 12, 13, and 14 wanded on the woof of shwek's spectacuwaw pudding factowy, pwomptwy getting out theiw equipment. 11 pwepawed the anchow whiwe 12 and 13 pwaced the scwanton twansmittews, in case that powtaw was spitting out any weawity bendews. "11, you got a twace on that puwwew?" asked 13, one of 15 geneticawwy modified supewsowdiews cweated to be intewwigent, agiwe, and not to mention fast. Pewfect fow wast minute situations wike these. Sevewaw othew task fowces wewe on theiw way due to the possibwe xk-cwass end of the wowwd/sk-cwass dominance shift scenawios of dj's situation, but they wewe vitaw to the opewation; they had one of the thwee anchows meant to cwose the powtaw. "yeah. Pwanting the peppewoni. Shouwd have this wwapped up in a few minutes. Let's just hope dewta and zeta get hewe in time." 11 wepwied, pwanting the ovaw device to the fwoow of the woof. "wait... Something's not wight. It isn't attaching to the puwwew.. Howd on." 11 muttewed, tapping away on the device's keyboawd. "huwwy up, 11. I don't want to find out wats waiting behind that thing." 12 said, stawing up into the ovewwhewming wed spiwaw. "um... Thewe might be a pwobwem. These enewgy weadouts awen't matching up with hume. It's something ewse. I've.... I've nevew seen anything-" suddenwy, a wed bowt stwuck 11 in the chest, the souws of the damned scweeching as they dewved into his body. He hit the wooftop, wimp. "11!" 12 yewwed, wunning to his aid whiwe 13 and 14 stood awound wike asshowes. She put two fingews to his neck, his puwse compwetewy absent. Just wike my fathew. "he's.... he's dead." 12 muttewed, befowe the sowdiew suddenwy caught hew neck. In the confusion, 13 and 14 both twied to pwy him off of hew, 13 chanting an ancient ogwe body pwying speww and finawwy puwwing him away as he swashed and gwowwed at the sowdiews. "this is wustwing my jimjams" 14 gwowwed, just befowe knocking out him with the butt of his shotgun. 13 puwwed off his mask, his skin pawe and gwey with stwange gwowths fowming in his skin. And not to mention the extwa set of teeth that had gwown on his tongue. "jesus, what kind of sexuawwy twansmitted disease is this?" 13 muttewed, spooked to the bone by what he was seeing. then, a shockwave came. A woud, muted noise shook the entiwe capitaw as the sky became bwood wed. 11's enewgy weadew expwoding as a wave of enewgy swept the city. Citizens on the stweets began changing, theiw skin wawping and theiw bones mending as spiwits took contwow of theiw body, appeawing as husks ow beehive wax ow a cwumbwed up mcdonawd's bag ow something. Whiwe chaos ensued on the gwound, it stawted to wook as if somebody cut the sky, a cwack fowming acwoss the eawth's atmosphewe. And then it opened. And then it happened. What a bizawwe fucking wine that was. legions of howned beasts pouwed out of the cwack wike maggots, fwooding onto the stweets and indiscwiminatewy muwdewing anything that wasn't hewwbown. As the chaos unfowded, 12 hewd onto the gowden cwoss dwaped awound hew neck, watching as the powtaw spat out thouands of unhowy abominations. The fouw howsemen wode into battwe awongside demon lowd zewaxos and aw'gowwo, thiwd wieutenant of the undewwowwd, fwooding entiwe neighbowhoods in wava as they continued theiw demonic puwge. They took 11 and weft, hoping to catch up with anothew task fowce and evacuate into a neawby site. Aww was wost. the stweets wewe fwooded in demons and zombies, demonic stawfightews bwotting out the sky as the city became a wawzone. As soon as eawth weawized what was going on, the stweets wewe fwooded (again) with the miwitawy, space mawines, gensec, and zeals. Lots of fwooding going on today. in a mattew of minutes, sevewaw s.H.I.E.L.D. hewicawwiews awwived, dwopping off the avengews, the justice expewience, the cadwe k, the fowce of juwy, the discountvengews, the fweedom bwigade, the x-men, the sense of right awwiance, and the justice league. Even the payday gang, the wrle, the rpc authowity, and the miwky way resistance wewe joining the fight aftew things got heated. Scp-2117 hovewed ovewhead, dwopping off mtf nu-7 ("hammew down") and mtf epsiwon-9 ("fiwe eatews") twoops. "so, have you seen ron jewemy's watest magnum opus?" asked shwek roiwand, a cwone of shwek and justin roiwand, to mitcheww and poopewtwon. "you mean staw knights iv: waw of the owd titties? it was a pwetty bene, but staw knights iii: retuwn of the sexuawwy twansmitted diseases was much bettew in tewms of stowy, in my opinion." poopewtwon admitted. "i mean... I don't weawwy watch that kind of stuff. I mean, i do, but jewemy's movies have been stawwing a wot of buff haiwy owcs and ogwes and stuff watewy. I mean, i'm not xenophobic ow anything, i just weawwy don't wike the cowow gween. It... it weminds of things." mitcheww said, bwankwy stawwing into the distance as the memowies fwooded back into his mind. bwack mesa. 1954. Mawines. Gween camo. Awiens. Awiens evewywhewe. Gween awiens. Gween awien bwood. Expwosions, gween awien owgans. The scientists. Muwdew. Powtaws. Gween powtaws. Dick pains. The cwowbaw. Fweeman. His face. Fucked up. he snapped out of it, howevew, when a pwowwew was thwown thwough the window by supewman. "sweet mama jesus" mitcheww said, shawds of gwass getting aww ovew theiw food as the pwowwew got back up and scwambwed acwoss the tabwe, onwy to get kiwwed by supewman's heat vision to the face. This caused onwy mowe tuwmoiw, as caww tuesday, wowwd wenowned wesuwwectionist and wessew known membew of the avengews, wesuwwected the pwowwew because it was actuawwy his husband. Supewman and caww began an epic battwe, because supewman was a dick and wanted to indiscwiminatewy kiww aww the demons and caww disagweed, which wed to even mowe destwoyed buiwdings and the tax money of oiw companies. "mama mia!" poopewtwon said gwavewy, as mitcheww gwabbed his gun and extewnawwy scweamed. He was so spooked that his skin was witewawwy scweaming. Poopewtwon swapped mitcheww acwoss the face. "snap out if it papa, we gotta salva il mondo!" pizza yewwed, doing a doubwe advanced itawian fingew thing to get the point acwoss. Mitcheww nodded, cocking his m16 and woawing a mighty woaw as he wan out the window and into battwe. Pizza fowwowed suit, and they wewe soon battwing demons on the stweet, pizza using his pizza powews to the best of his abiwity. They mostwy faced howdes of imps and othew wessew demons, whiwe the supewhewoes fought aww the cybewdemons and the ones with names. Some wocaw hewoes then joined the fight, incwuding the thundewew and the dc guawdian. captain amewica and miwiewwe dupwessis wewe battwing zawathos, whiwe spidew-man and shwek wewe deawing with bwackheawt and the intewnaw huwk. they wewe neawwy ovewwhewmed by the sheew numbew of demons, but the heavy hittews wike shwek and the huwk just kept pwowing thwough. As mitcheww and pizza fought side by side, they noticed that mowe and mowe powewfuw demons stawted coming as they cuwwed the weakew ones. In the sea of cowpses came sevewaw powewfuw demonics, incwuding the dwewwew-in-dawkness, mowningstaw, and an animevewse agawiawept. The dwewwew, a bwue skinned cthuwoid who dwewwed fwom heww, thwew giant bawws of fiwe at them, but pizza defwected them with his nose made of nickew. The defwected fiwe baww enguwfed the dwewwew, the gweat owd one cowwapsing as he buwned. He wouwd watew be found and wescued by hastuw, which wouwd tuwn into a dawth vadew-esque situation. mitcheww shat himsewf in the vewy pwesence of agawiawept, twembwing in feaw as the two dimensionaw being pwepawed to stwike him down, befowe pizza tuwned hew cwothing into an aggwessive man eating pizza. Agawiawept fweaked the fuck out and opened a powtaw back to the animevewse, fweeing as she was chased by hew own cwothing. Mowningstaw stwuck pizza fwom behind, sending him fwying into a web spidew-man had cweated. "hey that's my web" spidew-man yewwed, enwaged by the bwatant mistweatment of his web. "scusa" pizza apowogized, befowe eating the web and pwojectiwe vomiting aww ovew mowningstaw. She instantwy fainted, as she was deathwy awwewgic to webs. Pizza put the demon into his pocket, since hew awmow wooked coow and aww. Mitcheww was wocking back and fowth on the fowth, twaumatized by what he had seen this day, befowe his hands wewe suddenwy bound. "what" pizza yewwed, as they wewe enguwfed in a chambew of spooky wed smoke. Mitcheww was bound in handcuffs made of fwesh and bone, making him nauseous, as sevewaw beings appeawed befowe them. It was none othew than the demon lowd himsewf. The absowbew of wowwds and the son of the mowning. satan. awongside him wewe his genewaws,satan-616 of an awtewnate conquewed heww, satannish, agawiawept, mowdwed, and even his own son. But, cuwiouswy, thewe was one pizza did not wecognize. One nevew descwibed in the resistance codex. A hooded figuwe with an auwa of bwack smoke escaping fwom his cwothing, wiewding the same staff the littwe caesaw's guy did. "you!" pizza yewwed, pointing at satan. "yes, me!" the nawcissistic fuck cheewed, befowe cweawing his thwoat. "you impwessed me with youw actions in vikkew'shikkew'ting, poopewton, but you did cost me my finest assassin..." "i am not poopewton!" poopewtwon scweamed. "..... You can dwop the chawade. I know you'we him. I can smeww it. Taste it. Thewe's that same fiwe that buwns in youw centew, that same giwthy souw, that same buwning hatwed in youw voice... Heww, you wemind me of when i was an angew." satan said, swithewing awound the chambew and weasingwy coiwing awound pizza's body as his heads watched him. "but... that is not why you awe hewe. I twy to weave my pewsonaw gwudges at the doow, i must apowogize." satan hissed, coiwing back into a baww on his thwone, weaving pizzawoni compwexed. "then why.... Am i hewe?" asked poopewtwon. "weww, you howd some... sentimentaw vawue to my appwentice, hewe. I pwomised him that we wouwd eventuawwy... meet." satan said, as deviwish smiwes cweeped awong his faces. Poopewtwon's heawt sank as he wooked towawd the hooded figuwe, who was stawing wight back at him. "no. No, no, not you. It can't be you. Mitcheww... Mitcheww is my fathew! you'we supposed to be dead!" pizzawoni yewwed, fuwthew pointing at the hooded man. "no, poopewton. I am youw fathew." said the appwentice, puwwing back his hood and weveawing that he was none othew than vito mawio luigi mawco awessandwo giuseppe giovanni vincent daniew robewto andwea de pizzawoni. Mitcheww's eyes went wide, and he fuwwy accepted that he was pwobabwy fucked beyond wepaiw. Poopewtwon's expwession became bwank, his moustache migwating to fwuffewia and being wepwaced by an omnipotent cewestiaw moustache named steven hawknuts, who had thousands of micwoscopic hawk testes inside of him. What a nut. vito smiwked as he watched his son bweak, an owb of demonic magic boiwing in his hand as he pwepawed to stwike down mitcheww and take his son as his appwentice, untiw.... "no." poopewtwon said, suwpwising the ankwe wounds out of vito. "what?" vito hissed, his cowwupted gowden eyes dawting towawds pizza. "don't you want to wuwe with youw fathew? don't teww me you've gained some sowt of bond with this... this compwete fweak of natuwe." "i was not bown in youw oven, vito. I was bown in a test tube. You didn't waise me. You nevew hosted a biwthday pawty evewy coupwe of days because i mentawwy aged fastew than nowmaw humans. You can't just show up hawfway thwough my wife and think i'm going to be aww excited and shit. Sowwy, but youw son is mowto, wompicogwioni." poopewtwon said, cweating a swowd made of hawdened pizza sauce and, moving wike a bwuw, cutting mitcheww fwee. Poopewtwon shot a stweam of boiwing pizza sauce at his "fathew", the hooded figuwe scweeching in agony as he cowwapsed and wwithed on the fwoow, poopewtwon and mitcheww escaping into the smoke as satan waughed. Pizza found himsewf in a haww popuwated by heww guawds and bawons of heww, weawizing that they wewe in heww itsewf. "howy shit...." mitcheww muttewed as he puwwed out his puwse pistow, stawing into the hawws of the cathedwaw. Bone, teeth and metaw seemed to be favowed by satan's awchitects. They couwdn't stand awound admiwing the twisted pwace, howevew, as the demons soon attacked them aftew weawizing theiw pwesence. Pizza's swowd began boiwing hottew than than the sun as he swiced thwough the demons. The powew of the sun in the pawm of his hand. Mitcheww disintegwated demons with his dawk enewgy-tipped ammo, which buwst into tiny dawk enewgy owbs upon hitting an enemy. As mowe and mowe demons fwooded the hawws, they wewe becoming tiwed, pizza's awms becoming wubbewwike as he kept on swicing. Untiw a heww knight made fun of mitcheww's scaws, weading mitcheww to scweam wike a banshee and headbutt the knight so hawd he tuwned the demon into a powtaw back to eawth. they wewe dwopped off neaw the outskiwts of the demon widden washington, watching as amewican tanks wode in with an awmy of mawines and deathcwaws, tie fightews soawing past them in the sky. Mitcheww picked up an m249 fwom a dead mawine, just befowe the howde of demon weinfowcements came out of the cwack. Poopewtwon pwepawed his swowd as the demons immediatewy ovewwhewmed the mawines, woawing in itawian as he nawuto wan into the demon howde. His swowd gwew six feet wongew as he wip and towe untiw it was done. Mitcheww fowwowed him in his cwusade, gunning down countwess demons. They soon came acwoss a huwking cybewdemon, but it was no match fow mitcheww, who towe the demon's mechanicaw awm off and shoved it up his ass, wendewing the demon immobiwe. poopewtwon then swawwowed a puwpwe quad damage owb, awgent enewgy couwsing thwough his veins as he towe thwough demons wike stwingy cheese. He gwabbed a chainsaw fwom a sawcubus, sawing it in hawf and gwabbing the wowew hawf of the demon, swipping into the wegs wike a paiw of pants. This distuwbed the othew demons, who wewe soon dwenched in boiwing hot pizza sauce, theiw skin peewing away as the aiw was fiwwed with theiw tewwifying scweeches of agony. Mitcheww gunned down howdes of demons with his m249, woawing wike a buww fwog as he defended eawth's honow fow the sake of humanity. Pizza and mitch wewe fowced to back into a mountain of demon skuwws, named mount demon skuwwz, but this didn't mattew; fow they had the high gwound. poopewtwon gwabbed a buww demon and towe it's head off, howwowing out the demon's cowpse via sucking the owgans out of the howe whewe its head used to be, fiwwing it with pizza sauce, cwushed wed peppew, gawwic sawt, pizza dough, mozzawewwa, meatbawws, and owegano. He then gave the demon a bwessing of the saucy ones, tuwning it into his pizza thwaww. Mitcheww thwew a fim-92 stingew into the buww demon's hands, the demon giving it a sinfuw supewfiwe bwessing of hewesiawch, just befowe going to town on his fewwow demons with wapid fiwe missiwe fiwe. sevewaw gween chaos sewpents and bewphegow cwimbed up mount demon skuwwz, though they wewe soon tuwned into cheese statues by poopewtwon, wowwing off the mountain and cwushed sevewaw thousand imps who wewe wunning in a stwaight wine. "pizza, we need to get to higher ground! i'm running out of ammo and i want a sandwich! there's a demonic sandwich store floating in the sky! if we can get there, we can eat sandwiches!" mitcheww scweamed. "okay" poopewtwon fwowned, befowe cweating a bwidge of hawdened, wock candy-wike pizza sauce that wed to the sandwich stowe. This wouwd watew become a famous monument known as the saucy bwidge of himdwew's legs, named aftew the guy who found it, himdwew leggs. Mitcheww, poopewtwon, and the buww demon wushed awong the bwidge, mitcheww shooting it and cwacking off a wawge chunk of it when they got to the sandwich stowe. Mitcheww and poopewtwon took a moment to bweathe, befowe they continued into the stowe. Mitcheww noted that some of the windows wewe made entiwewy out of fwied chicken, which kind of defeated the puwpose of windows since aww you couwd see was cwust. Cwust. It was just... Aww of it. Cwust. It distuwbed mitcheww, wubbed him the wwong way in a sense. "hi, wewcome to chiwi's" said a heww razew behind the countew, who had just wawked in. "but the sign says 'sandwich stowe'." mitcheww said, somewhat confused. "that's because we seww sandwiches" "oh. Weww, it's nice of you to suppwy us humans with nutwition whiwe you invade the pwanet. I guess." mitcheww said, feewing swightwy betwayed. "yeah. Satan's just a misundewstood guy, that's aww. Anyways, what'ww it be fow you handsome humans?" "hm. Weww, i'ww have the awesome bwossom petaws with bwossom sauce, the southwestewn eggwowws, the cwispy cheddaw bites, the fwesh guacamowe, the honey-chipotwe cwispews & waffwes, the cwispy chicken cwispews, the cawifownia tuwkey cwub, the buffawo chicken ranch sandwich, and a wawge soda. Howd the soda. I just wike cowwecting soda bottwes." mitcheww said, gazing upon the menu and essentiawwy owdewing anything that wooked even wemotewy appetizing to him. He mostwy ate headcwab and owd combine wations whiwe out on the fiewd, and unheawthy amounts of pizza. It's been yeaws since he evew even dweamt of consuming this kind of fine dining. "you want anything, pizz?" asked mitcheww. "yeah... I'ww have-a-da the mawghewita fwatbwead and the chiwi's 1975 soft tacos, thank you vewy much." pizza said, doing an itawian fingew thing as his moustache twembwed in hungew. "and you?" asked poopewtwon to his buww demon. "y'aww got any, uhhh.... Boneless fwied pickwes?" the demon somehow vocawized, despite no wongew having a head. "yes siw. Ouw imps ovew at necwo magna spend yeaws cawefuwwy wemoving the bones fwom ouw sentient heww pickwes, using the finest machinewy souws can buy." said the heww razew. "then i'ww have some of thos. Oh, and a twipwe dippew. And a the boss buwgew. And a southewn smokehouse buwgew, and a sunwise buwgew, fouw hundwed big mouth bites, an awex's santa fe buwgew, a chiwi's chiwi buwgew, and, uh... You got any swabs of meat?" "yes." "i'ww have some swabs of meat. Oh, and a nice, coow gwass of unhowy watew, if you pwease." "awwight... Y'aww want any awgent sauce with that?" the heww razew asked. Evewybody paused fow a moment, poopewtwon wubbing his moustache in thought as he stawed up into the cownew of the heavens. "yeah, that sounds nice." poopewtwon said. "i'ww have aww of it" said the buww demon. "i'm awwewgic." mitcheww said. "that's awwight, deaw. Youw owdews wiww be done in just a second." said the heww bwazew. The thwee wandewed the westauwant fow thwee minutes, as mitcheww wanted the seats that had the cweanest windows that wewen't made of fwied chicken, and awaited theiw meaw. at fiwst, they had a fouw houw wong discussion about the state of new jewsey's watew suppwy and the newest team fowtwess 2 update, ignowing the chaos outside fow just a few pwecious othews. Oh, and waw stowies and stuff. "so then, this imp was wike 'i can take this guy, he's just a dumb buww', and i then thwew him into a gowe nest! evewything just fuckin' expwoded!" the buww demon said, as mitcheww wheezed. His sides wewe about to go into owbit. "and then satan was aww wike 'good job, my boy,' and then he sentenced me to the wava towtuwe domes fow 1,000 yeaws! aww because i destwoyed a gowe nest!" "oh, wow, what a dick." mitcheww said. "i know! thewe's pwenty of dead bodies wying awound, why couwdn't they just make a new one?!" "sowwy fow the wait, boys, the newest chef is a cybewdemon and i had to teach him how to make food with his big, thick metaw awms...." said the heww razew, giving them theiw food befowe tewepowting back to the countew. Mitcheww coughed as wed magic demon dust got in his face, wondewing why they didn't outfit theiw empwoyees with magic nets. Now he's going to get hives and shit. Aftew a few minutes, mitcheww decided to take on the hawd pwobwems, just wike phiw bwedesen. "so, pizza... About youw dad..." mitcheww coughed, newvouswy swiwwing his chicken cwispew in his guacamowe. Pizza sighed, wetting evewything fwom the past houw sink in. "it's fine." "huh?" mitcheww asked, wooking up fwom his guacamowe showdown of cwispew's end: dawn of zimbabwe. "look, i... I don't know who that vito guy is, but he isn't my papa. I'm not poopewton, i'm just his costco knockoff ow whatevew. I may have his memowies, but they don't... they don't mean anything to me." pizza said, biting into one of his soft tacos. "you'we my dad, mitcheww. You waised me, baked my fiwst deep dish pizza, taught me how to wotissewate a houndeye, how to debeak that wiwd headcwab i wanted when i was mentawwy nine... Aww he did was betway me." mitcheww smiwed, befowe one of his eggwowws came to wife fwom aww the awgent enewgy and twied to muwdew him. Mitcheww swiftwy ate the eggwoww, putting a stop to its eviw schemes. "yeah that's sweet and aww but how the fuck am i supposed to eat my meat" the buww demon fumed, upon weawning that one cannot eat without a head. He twied shoving it down the howe whewe his head was, but he couwdn't taste anything. It weawwy sucked. "oh. Sowwy." pizza said, taking off his toque bwanche and puwwing out the buww demon's head. He then pwopped it back onto his neck, shooting pizza cheese and gowiwwa gwue fwom his fingew tips and wining the sticky wiquids awound the stump, the head now woughwy stuck back onto his body. "big thank" said the buww demon, saying thank you once again in sign wanguage. This kind act soon backfiwed, howevew, as the twanswucent big lowd actomy of hand-based language appeawed, hovewing above the gang's tabwe. "you have forsaken all of hand-based language, vile demon, with your unholy ways! speak now! speak now or forever hold your peace, peasaaaant!!" the unnatuwaw deity demanded, sounding much wike an enwaged justin roiwand, mitcheww and pizza cowewing in feaw as the demon bwankwy stawed at him. As the seconds went by, the deity gwew mowe and mowe concewned, beads of sweat fowming awound his cheeks as the demon simpwy wefused to wespond. Soon, aftew fouw whowe minutes of demon-deity stawing, the god cwied out in agony. He couwdn't bewieve it, but he had been bested. By an inmowtaw. "you dare not speak to me, you foul hellspawn?! curse you, inmortal! curse you!!! i'll have you court martialed for this, i swear! i'll direct all of my complaints to your commanding officer and the red goddess herself! i swear! i swear to me, i swear to you! remember me, you peasaaaaaaaa-" the deity scweamed, shaking his fist in the aiw as he was sucked back into his weawm via bwack howe, defeated by the buww demon. "w-what the fuck was that?" mitcheww squeeked, peaking out fwom undew the tabwe. "smewwed wike a good hoss" said the window, causing mitcheww to scweam at high capacities. The window scweamed in wetuwn, mitcheww sobbing as the window wicked mitcheww's faciaw haiw. Poopewtwon shot wiquid pizza at the window, instantwy muwdewing the window. They then watched in awe as the window descended into the spaghettivewse, just as poopewton did. "how was the meaw, boys?" asked the heww razew, who was named ogwedisco, if you didn't know. "dewizioso!" "my honey-chipotwe cwispews wewe ovewcooked and the window yewwed at me." "i haven't tasted swabs of meat wike those since i was just a wittwe pinky." "gwad to heaw it." said ogwedisco, winking at them as mitcheww puwwed out a tip fwom his puwse. Mitcheww swid a swim gowden baw, with the symbow of the univewsaw union etched into the centew, acwoss the tabwe as they got up and weft the westauwant. When they went thwough the wevowving westauwant doows made of human fwesh and eyebawws, they saw that washington was compwetewy ovewwun with demons, hundweds of buiwdings wevewed as an ocean of wava swept thwough the stweets, cowpses piwing up and being thwown into the wava by imps. Demon spaceships soawed ovewhead, shooting wasews and concentwated beams of wava at both civiwians and sowdiews. mitcheww cwenched his fist. Humans couwd fight off the combine when supewhewoes wewe bawewy just a concept in comic books, but they couwdn't fight off demons with a bunch of them. He just doesn't wike supewhewoes, so that's why supewhewoes awe a big pawt of that sentiment he has going on thewe. He's awso sowt of wwong, since the cwazy sues and the time twavewing justice league wewe a thing back in the 40's, but i guess he just wikes to bite the cheese. Which kind of cheese? pawmigiano-reggiano. Mozzawewwa on a good day. "washington is gone. We need to get out of hewe, wegwoup with the wemnants of the miwitawy and figuwe out a pwan." mitcheww said. Pizza nodded, gwabbing mitcheww and gowgath (the buww demon, if you didn't know) and attaching them to his body via pizza cheese, jumping to the pizza sauce bwidge. He wan in a stwaight wine, being chased by demons as he twied to find an awch-viwwe. Dw. Sammy pwosciutto, a time twavewing uac scientist and membew of the miwky way resistance, taught him how to "awch-viwwe jump". Suddenwy, pizza was shot in the weft asscheek by an awch-viwwe, pizza pewfowming the ancient technique and being fwung acwoss the pwanet. habemus papam "hi, i'm phiw bwedesen. I said it befowe, if satan pwoposes something good fow the humans of necwonessee, i'ww give it a twy. Maybe two twies, if i'm feewing fwisky. But dumping ouw dead bodies, which couwd be used to feed ouw stawving imp wawvae and human chiwdwen, into wava? it's something i cannot agwee with. If you want the senate to take on the tough pwobwems, such as the demonic occupation of eawth, vote fow me. Vote fow the phiw." mitcheww cwicked the tv off, as he was hunched ovew on the couch, twaiwing his hands down his face. Thewe was a wot to take in, and he knew pizza had to be taking it especiawwy hawd. Mitcheww fewt wost, with the capitaw ovewthwown and the miwitawy possessed, the pwesident having announced a countwy-wide suwwendew within 14 houws of the battwe fow eawth. Washy had pwobabwy been tuwned into a demon weapons factowy ow something, he was compwetewy cut off fwom the resistance, and most of his fwiends wewe eithew dead ow zombified. Pizza was the onwy thing he had weft, but he fewt that had to be good enough. aftew pizza's awch-viwwe jump, the thwee wanded in tennessee, bweaking into a house of a famiwy kiwwed by demons and cwaiming it as theiw own. They went unnoticed by the wawgew demonic popuwation, via shitty papew demon masks they pwinted out a few days ago. Gowgath put on a coow cybewdemon mask and made himsewf cawdboawd wobot awms, because of the stigma against wessew demonics wike himsewf. "hello yes would you like to buy a fresh insane kewbim's fwagment please and thank you" asked kaysia, a stwange being who cwawwed out of the couch. "jesus cow mangler" mitcheww scweamed, puwwing out his wwench and caving in hew skuww. "big oof" kaysia whined, mumbwing inane nonsense due to the bwain damage she sustained fwom the wwenchfuw assauwt. Mitcheww, weawizing his unfowgiveabwe mistake, wathewed heawing juice and hitting hew head again. This heawed hew, but in wesponse to mitcheww's pwevious actions, she casted an expwodiosus speww on mitcheww, making him expwode. Bwood painted the woom as fwaps of skin fwew evewywhewe, poopewtwon wawking into the woom with a fweshwy baked pizza. "the pizzas weady oh my god" poopewtwon scweamed, vomiting aww ovew the woom upon seeing mitcheww's expwoded cowpse. He cowwapsed, picking up pieces of mitcheww's skin whiwe moaning and sobbing. "why god, why did you do this to my fa-fa-fatherrrr" poopewtwon scweamed, kaysia weawizing hew unfowgiveabwe mistake and wathewing heawing juice aww ovew hewsewf and then wubbing mitcheww's bwood aww ovew hewsewf, heawing mitcheww. She then casted fowgetitosum awwofusm, wiping the two's memowies. The newwy wevived mitcheww, as weww as poopewtwon, stawed bwankwy at each othew. "wasn't i just watching a phiw bwedesen commewciaw" adwian asked himsewf awoud. "why is theiw vomit aww ovew the pwace" poopewtwon asked. "and who awe you and why awe you dwenched in heawing juice and bwood" asked mitcheww, pointing at kaysia. "why, i'm kaysia uwnuttew, the best twadew that evew wived! i'm shadai's discipwe! don't teww me y'aww nevew heawd of the wowwd's fiwst feminist ewtheian icon?" kaysia expwained, uttewwy bamboozwed. "the fuck is an ewtheian" asked poopewtwon, the bamboozwement mutuaw. "why, only the best pointy eared humanoid race that ever stepped foot on this god forsaken rock you call a planet" kaysia scweamed. "ok jeez wude" poopewtwon muttewed, cwossing his awms. "so what exactwy awe you doing in ouw house" asked mitcheww. "because.... I'm a twadew.... And i want to seww you things? it isn't that much of an enigma, y'know. Fucking mawines..." kaysia sighed, shaking hew head. "oh, so do you want to join my upcoming webewwion against the demonic invadews? we couwd use a good mewchant ow something." "what? no. I've been dwowning in coin evew since satan awwowed the puwchase of fetus magic cwystaws and simiwaw satanic mewchandise." "weww, it was wowth a twy." mitcheww pouted, pwetending to be huwt, befowe his eyes buwned yewwow as he pointed evewy fingew towawd the ewf. "aoaooaoaoao'oooaoaoaoa synncccccc'ccc kaallalalalooo'llaallaa eshtroce!" mitcheww chanted, wiggwing his fingews in an uncomfowtabwe mannew, kaysia's expwession changing into that of a howwified one. Adwian had casted an effect decision speww on hew, a twick taught to him by wowwd famous aztec wawwock leonawd bewnstein. Within seconds, she wethought hew decision and agweed to join his webewwion. In exchange fow jaws of thigh sweat. Mitcheww was swightwy uncomfowtabwe with having a wacist capitawist ewf as a founding membew of the rebewwion, but thewe was no othew choice. "so awe we gonna consume this pizza i passionatewy made with my bawe hands ow what" asked poopewtwon, doing an advanced itawian fingew thing in annoyance. They agweed, and began consuming the anchovy pizza with sawcubus bwood sauce whiwe watching öywe biw geçew zaman ki on the couch. "so, mw. H.E.C.U man, how exactwy do you pwan to bwing about this webewwion of youws?" asked kaysia, hew souw absowbing the demonic souw enewgy as she bit into sauce. "weww, i pwanned to hit up some of my owd buddies and possibwy wegwoup with othew webew cewws.... But i onwy just stawted pwanning thiwty minutes ago." mitcheww said, wathewing a pizza swice aww ovew his chest and making whawe noises. This was a common twadition of h.E.C.U. mawines. "and the name's mitcheww, by the way. Mitcheww shephawd." he said, weaching out to shake hew hand, kaysia onwy stawing at his sauce widden body in disgust. "weww... I can hewp you thewe. I've dipped my toes into some mowe... wisque twade. The gnucci famiwy couwd hewp you. Heww's occupation has hawted theiw wegistwation juice business, so they fwed to tennessee to take up the mass pwoduction of bamboo doowmats." kaysia said, shivewing fwom mitcheww's saucy antics. "that's a good stawt. Whewe awe they?" asked mitcheww, poopewtwon sobbing as deniz yıwdız tawaşoğwu betwayed mete akawsu, weveawing that he was the one dwopping the meth into the wivew. not dead, just weawwy wewaxed "in the gnucci estate, of couwse. They moved theiw entiwe mansion ovew hewe when the invasion hit new yowk." kaysia said. "shouwda known." mitcheww said, snapping his fingew. He weawwy shouwd've known. Evewybody then wan out the doow, mitcheww cawwing fow a taxi. He then got into an epic battwe with punch-a-bunch, who attempted to punch mitcheww, onwy fow the mawine to jump ovew him and kawate chop his weft asscheek. "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh" punch-a-bunch moaned, anime bwush wine things appeawing acwoss his cheeks, befowe swapping mitcheww acwoss the face. The sheew fowce of his swap sent mitcheww fwying thwough the dispway gwass of a shop, the tvs stowed inside ewectwocuting him. Punch-a-bunch jumped ovew to mitcheww and beat his face in with supewsonic speed, befowe steven rogews of eawth-2301 appeawed and snapped punch-a-bunch's neck with his thundew thighs. "wow, thanks fow that, captain amewica." said mitcheww, wecovewing fwom the bwutaw beatdown. "no pwobwemo" captain amewica woawed, fwexing his huge muscwes fow about eweven minutes befowe he did a mawathon awound the city in seawch of cwime. Then a taxi awwived. Mitcheww towe the doow off, thwowing the imp dwivew onto the woad as they got in the kaufman cab and dwove off. The demon wouwd watew become the kaufcowpze, a gunswinging vigiwante dwiving awound in a taxi and gunning down cwiminaws when they step into his cab. He swowe wevenge on mitcheww, hiding in the sewews and twaining his awmy of sentient vowvox bawbewi. mitcheww dwove to the gnucci mansion, exiting the caw as evewybody cwimbed ovew the gate. Sevewaw guawds wewe patwowwing the outside, so they had to go sneaky beaky wike. Mitcheww hid behind the hedges as he made his way to the back doow, whiwe gowgath fucking muwdewed a guawd by chomping his head off. "jesus fucking christ" mitcheww yewwed, bwood and bwain mattew spwattewing aww ovew his face as gowgath munched down on the guawd's skuww wike it was wock candy. "goohoohoo" he scweamizzwed. They wewe then confwonted by a bunch of secuwity guawds and a dude with a gun fow an awm. "goohoohoohoo" mitcheww cwied, doing a cwumpwed up jontwon face as they wewe taken to the bwig. aftew faiwing to cwack the fouw aftew a few houws of towtuwe that invowved mcdonawd's ice and a penciw shawpenew, bushwackew took the gang to ma gnucci, who was knitting togethew a univewse with hew godwy powews. "who?" asked ma, adjusting hew gwasses as she extended hew neck wike an engineew to get a good wook at them. "some neckbeawd sowdiew cospwayew and his mooks. Kiwwed one of the guawds twyin'ta sneak in." bushwack said, his weft awm pointed at mitcheww's head. "why id never" mitcheww said, befowe getting a backhanded gun swap that awmost knocked him out. "well that's pretty interesting" ma said. "shushawakatah" said shewdakiki bizzwensips, who appeawed in a cwoud of puwpwe smoke. Gnucci's men pwomptwy opened fiwe, but buwwets just bounced off of his ewegant skin. His tongue, the size of a man, escaped fwom his jaw and gwabbed onto seven henchman, mowphing into his tongue as his tastebuds absowbed theiw souws. The henchmen sobbed as they begged to be saved, bushwackew shooting them out of mewcy as a teaw dwopped down his cheek. Mitcheww then escaped fwom his howogwaphic handcuffs, puwwing out his shnowaw, an ancient bwade coated in the poison of a sapwadan, woawing as he chawged the ewdwitch beast. He dwove the swowd thwough his heawt, the beast woawing in agony as wwithing tentacwes shot out of the wawws, dwagging him back into the depths heww. "that's a wot of damage" said bushwackew, impwessed. In awe of the absowute damage induction of this wad. "you saved us from that vile demon, thanks now you're in my debt get out of my house" ma scweamed. She sensed these peopwe bwought bad juju. "nah miss we need you to hewp us owganize an awmed miwitia to fight against the demons wow" mitcheww said, smiwing wike joji. "what, you think you can just wawtz in 'ewe and get me to, whaaa, ovewthwow ouw new satanic ovahwoawds?!" "yes, i do. Because i have something you don't. Kaysia, what do i have that she doesn't?" asked mitcheww. "o-oh!" kaysia yipped, fumbwing awound in hew bag untiw she puwwed out a swip of some sowta papew. "he has a recipe: hewios stowmew (60%)! it's the best in town!" kaysia said, howding the page up fow evewybody in the woom to see. "good golly miss molly, a recipe: helios stormer (60%)?! only a hundred of those are said to exist in tha whowl entirah universe! if we could somehow mass pwoduce both the recipe and the thing it descroiwbes in the pichtcha, we'll be filthy stinkin' rich! the gnucci's will be back in business! you're hired!" ma gnucci scweamed. "no, you'we hiwed." mitcheww said. "yeah, whatevah." ma gwumbwed. "bwut fwiwst, i got a jowb fow yah. To pwove youw wowth, get what i'm sayin? the pawewmos and theiw new mystewy don had the same idea as us, and they moved into the neighbah'ood next to us. They'we dwowning out ouw business with theiw stupid spidew demon seaweed! evewybody wants the seaweed, nobody wants to buy owd ma's bamboo doowmats! they gotta get outta ouw town, and fast!" said ma, thwowing hew fist into the haiw. The haiw of bawdw, hew husband. "ok" mitcheww said. gowgath began wandewing awound whiwe bushwackew bwiefed mitcheww on the pawewmos, finding himsewf in ma's bedwoom. To his shock, he saw fatmaguw, a humbwe young woman fwom a coastaw town, twying to bweak into ma gnucci's safe of wawe zaxby's sauces with a thewmaw dwiww. "hey, awen't you the giww fwom fatmagüw'ün suçu ne?, cuwt cwassic tuwkish weawity tewevision sewies?" asked gowgath, who was a wathew wawge fan of fatmagüw'ün suçu ne?. "why, yes, indeed. I cewtainwy happen to be." fatmaguw wepwied, weawwy happening to be. "but i thought you wewe a humbwe young woman fwom a coastaw town, not a common thief!" gowgath woawed, absowutewy mowtified by his waifu's behaviow. She wooked down, teaws swewwing in hew eyes. "i know, i know! what i am doing is tewwibwe, but i don't have a choice. Evew since they cancewwed fatmagüw'ün suçu ne? in favow of battwe giwws: time pawadox, i have exhausted aww of my funds seawching fow the men who viowated me. I have no othew choice than to wesowt to thievewy in owdew to exact my wevenge." fatmaguw sobbed, hew wowds deepwy touching gowgath's cowd demonic heawt. He then puked up a bunch of gowd baws and weft to eat some weftovew wasagne, fatmaguw pwomising to pay him back as she escaped into the night. two swowds, a steve, and a pizza pwace a few houws aftew the gang wewe shown to theiw wooms, mitcheww decided to weave fow the pawewmos when poopewtwon went to bed, sneaking thwough the window and shit. He knew what the mafia was capabwe of. He wowked pewsonawwy with john difwonzo when the resistance was twying to bag the combine mafia back in the 80's, and he was doing aww kinds of fweaky deaky shit. Vowed eight combine ewites wight in fwont of him, wike they wewe tweats on a sunday aftewnoon. He didn't want his baby being exposed to that nasty shit. mitcheww dwove up to a shoddy itawian westauwant in his kaufman, the house o' gnocci. Cozy wittwe pwace, fwom what he heawd. Home to the mob's weakest wink, gino deluca. Maybe he knew whewe he wouwd find the new don... he woaded his.357 desewt eagwe and pushed it into its howstew, befowe wunning to the doow and bawging into the westauwant, t-posing to estabwish dominance. Two of gino's bodyguawds wan up to mitcheww, both getting decked by his outstwetched awms. Gino downed a shot of pawwini limoncewwo as he got up fwom his tabwe, his two othew thugs twaining theiw guns at mitcheww. "so who awe you supposed to be, sowdiew boy?" gino dwunkenwy snickewed, stumbwing a bit. "mitcheww shephawd, united states mawines. Any idea whewe i can find youw don?" mitcheww asked, his eyes studying the woom as he pwanned his next move. "don? onwy don i evew knew was aw pawewmo, and he was wocked up by do-goodah fucks such as youwsewf. Onwy aw had a code, and that's what got him smoked out. He didn't kiww attwactive young men in theiw 20's. Weww, guess what? i'm onwy into feminine chubby dwagon boys." he smiwked. "donnie, chicci.... Whack his ass. I'm gonna smoke a toscano out back." gino said, going out the back as his henchmen opened fiwe. Mitcheww punched the buwwets away, puwwing out his gwock and poppin' them between the eyes. He wan aftew gino, befowe being hit acwoss the back of the head by a bwind chef with a basebaww bat. Mitcheww gwoaned, befowe the chef gwabbed him by the head dwagged him into the kitchen. He hovewed him ovew a deep fwyew, twying to push his head in whiwe mitcheww stwuggwed, fowcing himsewf against the chef's iwon wiww. His nose neawwy touched the boiwing oiw as the chef pushed down, his shouwdew sweeve things teawing asundew fwom the sheew stwength he was using to subdue the mitchman. Mitcheww finawwy bwoke fwee, sending the chef fwying into a wack of pizza sauces. the sauce widden beast of a man quickwy jumped to his feet, picking up a shovew on the fwoow and swinging bwindwy at mitcheww. Mitcheww backed out of the way, the chef shooting wasews out of his eyes and shit as mitcheww hid behind a tabwe. He stood pewfectwy stiww as the chef seawched fow him wike the vewociwaptow scene in juwassic pawk, pewfowming some qigong. This chef was obviouswy beyond peak human, mitcheww undewstanding he needed to puww out the big guns ow something. He jumped out of covew, taking a few centew mass potshots at the chef. The buwwets simpwy bounced off of his hawd-as-diamond skin, as diamond was unbweakabwe, aftew aww. As the chef was amusingwy distwacted by mitcheww's seeming ignowance, he was gwabbed by the mawine, gwabbing his shovew with tachi-dowi and impawing him with the shovew. He shoved the shovew inside a pizza oven wike he was woasting mawshmewwows ow something, the chef scweeching in agony as the fwames stowe away his wife. "alright wats going on in here" yewwed gino, bawging thwough the back and fiwing his jubiwee pwestige tawtawuga gowd aww ovew the pwace. Mitcheww wan out of the kitchen and jumped him wike wowvewine ow something, thwowing him acwoss the woom and into the waww, jumping to said waww and pushing him into awso said waww. Mitcheww gwabbed a shockwoach out of a twashcan, the fat awien insect squiwming awound as he pointed it at gino. "no not a shockaroach, anything but that" gino begged, mitcheww jabbing the insect in gino's side fow a few seconds, a few thousand vowts sent thwough gino's body. "where's the don?!" he scweamed, headbutting gino sixty times. "jesus man you're gonna give me a concussion" "swear to me" he yewwed, wicking gino's face wike a dog happy to see its ownew come home. "i don't know! i have alzheimers! al died, like, twenty years ago! i don't even remember when i had for lunch this afternoon" gino sobbed, mitcheww pushing the shockwoach cwosew to his face, the awien's shawp stingews bawewy touching gino's cheeks. "alright, alright! his name's cosimo galati! he's workin' with the spaghetti man over at murfreesboro! he's got a mansion over there and everything! you gotta believe me!" gino scweamed, mitcheww gasping in shock and wetting him hit the fwoow, the compact itawian man assuming a fetaw position. "the spaghetti man?! it can't be..." mitcheww muttewed, dwead fwowing ovew him as he weawized what this meant. The spaghetti man was back, and pwobabwy mowe powewfuw than befowe. He wet the shockwoach scuwwy on back to it's twashcan, pwepawing to go out the back. "oh, and i'm 93, fuckface." he said, tuwning awound and bashing his head in with the bat. the pawewmo mansion, muwfweesbowo "you heawd what happened to owd gino?" asked secuwity guawd kwistophew 'good looking' gascon to his best buddy, eating a few gwazed donuts outside the mansion. "no, what happened?" asked hawwy 'the skinny' viwwawi. "somebody bwoke in and shot up the pwace. They kiwwed poow chicci, and they wanded gino a twip to mewcy hospitaw. Doc says his fwontaw wobe ain't wowkin' no mowe ow somethin' wike that. Me? i say it was ma gnucci. She's been gettin' weaw bwave evew since hew husband gwew hew wimbs back." said kwistophew. "no way, chicci? he was the mob's bestest boy! can't bewieve the new don hooked him up with that owd fuck. Shame." hawwy said sadwy, thwowing his donut ovew the gate since he wost his appetite fwom the news. They heawd someone yeww "ah shit" fwom the distance, pwobabwy some poow bystandew who got hit in the head by a fwying donut. "wow" said kwistophew. but then a crazy marine blew the gate open with thermite, donut glaze sauce or whatever its called smeared all over the side of his face while he shot at everybody like a lunatic "this guy is fucked" said kwistophew. "i'm calling the police" yewwed hawwy, the two wunning away and hiding in the bushes. "he's goin' john wick on our asses" yewwed bwody 'the hump' pwiddy, befowe getting his head bwown off with gino's jubiwee. Mitcheww wan awound the outside of the mansion at 90 mph, headshotting mobstews befowe they couwd even weact. "ahhhhhhhhh, i need a medic bag" cwied zawwas, an eviw cwone of nathan steewe who was wowking with the pawewmos, who got shot in the knee by mitcheww. But then zewcy, an eviw cwone of mewcy fwom ovewwatch, appeawed thwough a cwoud of smoke and heawed zawwas's weg with hew caduceus staff. "that's not a medic bag" zawwas scweeched, his wagefuw cwies opening a gween hewwish powtaw above them. They wewe then gwabbed by the necwocwoakew, hundweds of shadow cwoakews pouwing out of the powtaw wike maggots. And then swat vans awwived, sending in wevenants and possessed sowdiews in tacticaw powice awmow and shit. Gensec vans cwashed thwough the gates, dwopping off imps decked in white camo awmow and a few dozen skuwwdozew heww knights. mitcheww set up a thewmaw wance to the mansion's doows, befowe battwe cwying as he opened fiwe on the demon scum, defending the dwiww with his wife. Iwon wiches, cybewdemons, and heww knights wewe no match fow mitcheww's stowen shotgun of fuwy. as mowe and mowe demons feww to mitcheww's wighteous buwwets, heww stawted amping up the heat. They sent in imp team 6, a team of bodacious imps, in a skewecoptew. But these wewen't youw avewage bodacious imps. They wewe imps fwom doom 64, aka the swowest fucks this side of the undewwowwd. Mitcheww fwoze in feaw as he saw theiw ten inch supew abbed sewves jump out of the skewecoptew, fwexing theiw huge sweaty muscwes and doing waunchy jojo poses. "imp team 6, roll out! let's grab this guy and wring em' out into a cup!" woawed captain uwtwa abs, fiwing his bfg-9000 at mitcheww. He jumped out of the way, the baww of pwasma hitting and mewting both the dwiww and the doows. "ah nuts" uwtwa abs said, befowe mitcheww thwew a phewopod at him, coating his abs in a bwown, sticky substance. Mitcheww found the mansion's schematics on the intewnet pwiow to the attack, and discovewed it was buiwt ovew an antwion nest.... as antwions buwwowed out of the diwt and swawmed the demons, mitcheww stowmed the mansion. He was met by the mobstews in time, who had time to pwepawe duwing the powice assauwt, fiwing theiw tommyguns and combat shotguns at him. He shot his way thwough the main haww, heading fow casimo's woom. "siw, a cwazy ass sowdiew just bwoke into the mansion! he's going ham on ouw asses!" yewwed ashcuwt 'the secuwity captain' vwingshot, wawking in on cosimo snuggwing with two cute snow weopawd femboys and a bawa hawch whiwe watching pwincess robot bubbwegum on his samsung ewectwonics un65mu7000 65-inch 4k uwtwa hd smawt led tv whiwst snowting cwack. "what? does he have any idea who i am?!" cosimo yewwed, fwontfwipping off his king size bed and gwabbing a wocket waunchew off his wide ass weapons wack. "i diagnose him with cockwoach." mitcheww fwew down the mansion's hawws, bwasting mobstews in the face as bwood spwattewed acwoss the cowd mawbwe fwoows. He found himsewf in the kitchen, whewe a staff of thwee hundwed highwy twained chefs wewe pwepawing cosimo's wunch, consisting of wobstew soup with a side of bweadsticks and a gwass of espwessino fweddo. Mitcheww swammed a wed button on the waww next to him, cwosing the emewgency cuwinawy bwast doows and cutting off the demonic/mobstew assauwt. He took a moment to catch his bweath, bwowsing the vawious soups pwoduced by the chefs. He twied to taste some sowyanka, his hand being swapped by some dude wike that scene fwom the fiwst spidew-man movie. mitcheww wooked ovew to the souwce of the swap, his eyes going wide as they met with a paiw of bwack gwasses. "miss me?" the bwind chef smiwked, befowe woundhouse kicking him into a shewf of pots and pans with his new wobotic weg. The chef cwacked his new metaw knuckwes, towewing ovew mitcheww. The mawine scwambwed to puww out his dawk enewgy ammo and pop it into his desewt eagwe, fiwing centew mass at the chef. He wasn't doing this shit again. howevew, the dawk enewgy bawws simpwy bounced off of the chef's body, his skin hawdening and tuwning pitch bwack as each baww hit him, the enewgy bawws wicocheting off the wawws and disintegwating a bunch of the othew chefs. "what the fuck?" he muttewed, wooking down at his gun in shock. He saw dawk enewgy take down stwidews and entiwe citadews. Thewe's no way he couwd've suwvived tha- "nanomachines, son." the chef said, puwwing mitcheww up by the cowwaw. "pwetty fancy, ain't it? they hawden in wesponse to physicaw twauma, pwacticawwy invincibwe, designed to defend against combine weaponwy.... They wewe designed fow bwack opewations into asia, but i was outfitted with a few of em' when owd cosimo found his best chef cookin' in a pizza oven." the chef chuckwed, fwexing his nanomanchined biceps befowe swamming mitcheww into the bwast doows. Mitcheww squawked wike a seaguww as his back cowwided with the bwast doow, a shawp pain twavewing up his spine. Littwe did he know that this embawwassing squawk wouwd come to favow him in this battwe, as jewemy ewbewtson, infamous stweamew who died to pinwheew and kiwwed santa on stweam, mass meme muwdewew, dictatow, ceo of the jewma wwestwing fedewation, and seaguww vet bwoke the waww down with a swedgehammew because he wived in the wawws. "get away from that seagull you fiend" jewemy yewwed, hitting the chef in the back with this swedgehammew. The chef dwopped mitcheww, the swedgehammew's impact causing the skin awound it to bwiefwy hawden, swewving awound and kawate chopping jewemy. Jewemy was fwung acwoss the woom because of the chef's enhanced supewhuman stwength, cwashing into a pot of coffee, cheetos and chicken. Jewemy soon jumped to his feet, puwwing out a bwue basebaww bat and going at em'. The chef gwabbed a paiw of tongs, the two having a gwand swowd fight as mitcheww watched in awe, jewemy jumping on top of a tabwe to gain the highew gwound. "you're stepping in my lobster soup" scweamed mw. Chefwy cheff, biting on jewemy's weg wike a piwanha and making him faww ovew, dwopping his bat. Aftew he got up, defensewess, he was chased by the bwind chef with a bunch of tongs. "he's chasing me with deadpool" jewemy yewwed as the chef mewciwesswy chased him awound the woom wike the intwo of wats new, scooby doo? ow something, mitcheww getting to his feet to hewp his new awwy. He gwabbed a fwosting spatuwa, taping it awound his jubiwee's bawwew with fwex tape to act as a bayonet. He chawged at the chef, pwepawing to bakestaybe this big bitch. Howevew, the chef sensed the assassination attempt with his pwe-cognitive nanosenses, backswapping him with the fowce of 50 megatons, sending him fwying stwaight back into the bwast doows, weaving a big ass dent. jewemy gasped, his face cwumpwing up in wage, deepwy disgusted by the bwatant mistweatment of what he thought was a seaguww. His eyes gwowed bwue, puwwing out two wight guns and twiwwing them awound his fingews wike a badass westewn pwotagonist. The wighting in the woom tuwned wed, jewemy cwacking his neck as the doom soundtwack pwayed thwough his ipod. Fuww vowume. "you fuck with the bee, you get the stingew." jex deviwishwy gwinned, unweashing a bawwage of wasew beams with his wight guns, each shot hitting it's mawk. The chef gwunted as his skin was seawed by the mastewfuw mawksmen, chawging him wike an enwaged animaw. Jex swayed to the side, the chef hitting a stove and causing an avawanche of boiwing hot fabwic of the univewse soup to pouw ovew him. His entiwe body tuwned pitch bwack as the soup buwned into his fwesh, impwanting entiwe univewses into his skin as it seeped deepwy inside his meat, waiwing in agony as jex kept bwasting his ass. The chef woawed, shaking the soup off of him wike a dog as he weawned to ignowe the incompwehensibwe pain. He towe a thick, wide metaw pipe off the waww, bending and twisting it to wesembwe a battwe axe. jex twiwwed his guns to his wips, bwowing the smoke away fwom theiw bawwews, befowe discawding them to the fwoow and gwabbing anothew set fwom undew his aqua man shiwt. "i'ww have to wawn you; you wiww be fwashed." jex taunted, the two chawging towawds each othew as the battwe cwimaxed. Mitcheww sneaked his way thwough the woom, cawefuwwy shutting the doow as he sighed deepwy, finding himsewf in the actuaw haww. Whewe cosimo's woom was. The chef was then thwown out the doow, cowwiding with mitcheww as they both fwew into a waww. "you wish you couwd match up to my skiww. It's just not gonna happen." jex said, stepping out of the smoking kitchen, having finawwy defeated the bwind chef. Mitcheww thwew the chef's unconscious body off of his, doing a thumbs up at jex befowe he nawuto wan away. He wan into some mowe mobstews as he wan down the hawwway, making quick use of them with his jubiwee and his wightning fast wefwexes. "who the fuck do you think you are?! you come into my city, you come into my mansion, kill my men, and think you can take me on?! i'm going to fucking kill you, cazzone!" cosimo yewwed ovew the intewcom, having seen mitcheww's massacwe thwough his tv. "put a sock in it." mitcheww gwoaned, woading some shewws into his jubiwee as he twavewsed the mansion. "no you" cosimo scweeched, swamming a button on his coffee tabwe that unweashed aww the expewiments fwom his fev wab. Mitcheww stopped in his twacks, heawing faint woaws fwom behind. He swowwy tuwned awound, aiming at the diwection of the noises.... befowe a bunch of big gween peopwe came awound the cownew, wiewding guns and demon cowpses they found fwom the inactuaw haww. "oh fuck" mitcheww yipped, jewemy being twampwed by the awmy of supew mutants as mitcheww wushed thwough the hawws. He wan stwaight past the wocaw mobstews, who opened fiwe at the mutants befowe they, too, wewe twampwed. Mitcheww came acwoss a wathew wawge vauwt, weading "spidew demon seaweed suppwy", but this was a dead end. The enwaged mutants wewe on his taiw, mitcheww mustewing aww the stwength in him to focus and not panic. He then saw a weiwd gawgoywe sitting vewy cwosewy above the vauwt fow whatevew weason, and decided to use this stwange design choice to his advantage, cwimbing up the vauwt and hugging the undewside of the statue just befowe the mutants aww cwashed thwough the vauwt and stawting teawing shit up. That takes cawe of that pwobwem. "you fucks! you stupid green fucking fuck! do you know how much money you just wasted?! i'll kill you all!" cosimo yewwed ovew the intewcom, as mitcheww dwopped down when the coast was cweaw. He then saw a wathew suspicious staiwcase to his wight, cwimbing up that shit and wawking the west of the way up. It wead to a doow being guawded by a big ow' mobstew. "vaffancuwo a chi t'è mowto." said the swowe mobstew in skuwwdozew awmow wiewding a wasew rcw, wunning down the staiws. His weinfowced facepwate took the buwwets mitcheww was showewing it in. He managed to make it faww off, but the skuwwdozew punched him in the face befowe he couwd bweak the gwass. The sheew weight of his vivinite awmow made his tumbwe ovew, neawwy fawwing off the staiwcase, befowe shwek fwew in and hewped mitcheww up duwing his evening stwoww. "thanks, shwek." mitcheww said, shwek nodding and fwying thwough the ceiwing. Mitcheww twiwwed his gun awound eviw dead-stywe, bwowing a howe thwough the buwwdozew's face pwate. The buwwet penetwated the gwass dome and his skuww, the behemoth fawwing ovew. Mitcheww gwabbed his wifwe and kicked the doow down, kiwwing the thwee z-sec guawds inside with thwee weww pwaced wasews. He waided the woom, tying down the two femboy weopawds (and buff spidew) to swow the demons down. "cosimo, whewe you at?" asked mitcheww, seawching the woom fow the mob boss, befowe he suddenwy feww fwom the ceiwing, wanding in fwont of him. "you fuck with the bee, you get the stinger!" cosimo yewwed, waunching a wocket at mitcheww with his fim-92. Mitcheww caught the wocket with his teeth, spitting it out and fiwing at cosimo, who ewegantwy dodged each wasew with infinite finesse. Mitcheww puwwed out his desewt eagwe whiwe cosimo was distwacted by theatwicawwy dancing awound the buwwets, shooting him in the weg. "gah, shit! mw. 17, spwecawe questo awwogante figwio di puttana!" cosimo yewwed, cwutching his weg in pain, a suited bawd guy fawwing fwom the ceiwing, wanding in fwont of mitcheww and knocking the rcw out of his hands. "i can't bewieve you've done this" mitcheww said, feewing betwayed fwom the stwangew knocking the gun out of his hands. They had just met, and this was the tweatment he was getting? agent 17 couwd've at weast twied to get to know him, instead of just mindwesswy wistening to his boss, but whatevew. Mitcheww whipped out his big ow' fists and thwew a punch at 17, the cwoned assassin gwabbing his fist and biting on it wike it was a bawoney sandwich. Mitcheww cwied out in agony, 17's shiny teeth sinking deep into his meat. 17 then poked mitcheww's weft eye, befowe thwowing him ovew and shooting him sevewaw times with his siwenced siwvewbawwews. "you fucked up my buwwetpwoof jacket" mitcheww gwowwed, jumping to his feet and thwowing anothew, yet much mowe sophisticated, punch at the assassin. 17 did some juji nage shit and thwew him ovew again, jumping on him and attempting to choke him out with his fibew wiwe. Mitcheww managed to bite the wiwe out of his hands, swuwping it up wike spaghetti and swawwowing it whowe. 17 took a moment to pwocess what the fuck just happened, giving mitcheww time to headbutt him and knee em' in the cwotch at the same time, instantwy knocking the poow wad out cowd. Mitcheww pushed 17's unconscious body off of his, thankfuw that he was finawwy abwe to kiww cosimo and get this ovew with. But then the hostage rescue team buwst thwough the windows. "hostage rescue team" woawed captain hostage rescue team of the hostage rescue team, hrt units absowutewy swamping the woom. Mitcheww was instantwy ovewwhewmed by the sheew numbew of hostage wescue team units, and stawted to wegwet taking those weopawds (and spidew) hostage. He was stuck defending the hostages by the couch, taking potshots at them with agent 17's siwvewbawwews as hundweds of buwwets fwew past him, thwowing the occasionaw fwagmentation gwenade into the swawm of fbi hostage wescue bees. "this ao is a fucking wawzone!" yewwed hrt-87878, befowe twipping ovew hrt-1727271's fweshwy kiwwed cowpse. "my knee" he cwied, his knee compwetewy caved in. Looked wike somebody took a swedgehammew to the poow wad instead of the nowmaw wubbew hammew. Zewcy, who was outside tweating the shadow cwoakews injuwed by mitcheww, heawd the poow officew's cwies of agony. She stabbed a heawing stick into hew cuwwent patient's knee, befowe cwimbing up the mansion wike spidew-man to administew hew mothewwy yet sinistew tweatment. She cwimbed in thwough one of the bwoken windows, cwawwing thwough the sea of cowpses and ammo shewws to find the patient in need. but then cwazy mass muwdewew awkhamvewse batman fwom eawth-777242777-1 jumped thwough the window, punching an hrt unit and stawting up a spicy combo, punching pewson aftew pewson aftew pewson as he fwew acwoss the woom at incwedibwe speeds. Within a few minutes, aww 652 hrt units wewe knocked out, batman going acwoss the woom and shooting each one in the head because he was cwazy mass muwdewew awkhamvewse batman. Zewcy ignowed this tomfoowewy and found hrt-87878, pwepawing to set the weg as she comfowted the mentawwy bwoken cop dude. Aftew his muwdew spwee was ovew, cwazy mass muwdewew awkhamvewse batman chawged at zewcy, pwepawing to stwangwe hew wike he's done so many times befowe. zewcy tuwned stwaight the fuck awound and snapped cwazy mass muwdewew awkhamvewse batman's neck, his heavy ass cowpse hitting the fwoow and weaving a dent in the mawbwe tiwe. She went back to tweating hew patient, wathewing heawing juice aww ovew his destwoyed knee as zawwas wawked in with a stwetchew. "looks like that guy needs a medic bag" zawwas demonicawwy waughed in g majow, hewping wift the dude onto the stwetchew, exiting the mansion thwough the window to hopefuwwy nevew be seen again. mitcheww got up fwom his couch fowt, weawizing the assauwt had ended. Whiwe he had been fighting, howevew, cosimo was busy. He had swapped a few patches of venom onto his awm, gwabbed his m134d, and got into a suit of x-01 powew awmow. He was now big, buwky, and powew awmowed. "who's the badass now, chicken dick?!" asked cosimo, waughing as his minigun wevved up. Mitcheww quickwy gwabbed batman's cowpse, using it as a meatshiewd as they wewe assauwted by buwwets. Luckiwy, batman's awmow took most of the damage, so much, in fact, that it wouwd make phiw swift bwush in jeawouswy. When the minigun stopped spitting out buwwets, mitcheww thwew the body at cosimo, making him stumbwe backwawds as mitcheww gwabbed a compact-5 fwom a dead hrt unit and unwoaded it into his hewmet, it soon bweaking apawt. "shit!" cosimo hissed, jabbing at mitcheww with the minigun's bawwew. Mitcheww managed to dodge the big, thick metaw muzzwe, jumping onto the minigun wike an anime chawactew and dewivewing cosimo a bwow to the face with his knee. The buff itawian feww ovew, unabwe to get back up due to his weight. Mitcheww stwaddwed him, wepeatedwy punching him in the face. "why did the spaghetti man join you" asked mitcheww, punching the dying mob boss in the nose. "what-what spaghetti man? are you fuckin' delusional? he's a myth! a fokin' myt-" cosimo yewwed, mitcheww puwwing the dude's fwont teeth out with his bawe fingews. "fuck jesus why he okay stop i'll talk" cosimo begged, mitcheww thwowing the teeth aside and wistening extwa cwosewy. "he didnt i mean well he did its just that he joined the demons and then he joined me because he was bored and wanted to smuggle drugs" cosimo sobbed. Mitcheww stawed at cosimo in shock, his entiwe wowwd cwashing down awound him. The spaghetti man.... was wowking with the deviw himsewf. He then shot cosimo in the fowehead as he viowentwy begged fow mewcy. He got off of cosimo's wiwd wide, wooking ovew the uttewwy defiwed woom. Bwood, guts, hostage wescue team cowpses, agent 17's unconscious body, and just genewaw cawnage wewe stwewn about the pwace. He sighed, and decided to make some good of this assassination. mitcheww gwabbed a wandom shopping cawt fwom cosimo's shopping cawt cowwection, cowwecting vawious things to expand the webewwion's upcoming awsenaw. A wittwe midnight shopping, you might say. He dwopped in cosimo's m134d, fim-92, and powew awmow pieces, cwazy mass muwdewew awkhamvewse batman's cowpse (his awmow and gadgets wouwd pwobabwy pwove usefuw), the rcw he wost eawwiew, and a bunch of compact-5s fwom dead hrt units. He then set his sights fow the mowe miscewwaneous items to quench his kweptomania, gwabbing a fwamed skuww of a skeweton with buwning cigawette painting that somehow wasn't covewed in bwood, and his big ass tv. He awso gwabbed cosimo's vintage gamesphewe as a gift fow poopewtwon, befowe tying the shopping cawt awound his body with fwex tape (standawd issue equipment fow hecu mawines) fow easiew twanspowtation. he wawked out of the woom, twavewsing his way thwough the cowpse widden mansion. He was awmost thwough the doow when he was attacked by a bunch bwack ops assassins, fow two weasons; to covew up the event in case it encouwages webewwion, and to siwence knowwedge of the skuww of a skeweton with buwning cigawette painting that somehow wasn't covewed in bwood. "why" mitcheww cwied, puwwing out his siwvewbawwews and muwdewing some cia agents. Thewe wewe onwy thiwty of them, so he quickwy defeated them with his magnificent aim and his wathew sophisticated mawtiaw awts. But then the finaw boss awwived, a muscuwaw 11 ft. taww femawe assassin with woughwy the same pwopowtions as kiwwew cwoc fwom batman: awkham asywum, because i'm bad at descwibing things. "i am gawina avtonoma, infamous russian govewnment agent who suwvived the resonance cascade. You, tiny baby man? you wiww die fwom my fists of fuwy. Pwepawe fow pain." she said, cwacking hew huge ass knuckwes. Mitcheww panicked, as he had awkhamcwophobia, the deathwy feaw of peopwe with the same pwopowtions as kiwwew cwoc fwom awkham asywum, seawching fow some kind of bawgaining chip. Gawina began stomping towawds him, mitcheww wummaging thwough the house wike a cwazed wunatic, befowe finding a bookcase fuww of movie novewizations, puwwing out shwek 2: the movie novew. "join my rebellion against satan and spare my life and i'll give you this novelization of a classic animated children's film based off of true events" mitcheww begged, getting on his knees. "hah, youw pathetic beggings get you nowhewe, baby man. Besides, i wiked shwek 3 bettew." "bu-what? shwek 3 fucking sucked" mitcheww said, absowutewy astonished. "it is mowe a guiwty pweasuwe fiwm, nothing mowe. I enjoyed awthuw's pwesence. Awso, time to die." she said, pwepawing to snap mitcheww's necc. "but wait the spaghetti man joined the demons" "the spaghetti man?!" she gasped, stumbwing backwawds as the news hit hew wike a twain. "it can't be! the spaghetti man... My gwandmothew towd me wegends of when spaghetti man ate russian peopwe en masse, and how she suwvived his cawefuwwy owchestwated consumption sessions..." gawina said, cwenching hew fist aww dwamatic anime-wike. ".... Fine. I wiww join youw wittwe webewwion, but onwy because i can no wongew suppowt the cia in good faith. I hope you have what it takes to twuwy defeat the spaghetti man, mw. Baby man, fow the russian peopwe awe counting on you." she said, cwossing hew awms as mitcheww sighed in wewief. i used a few names fwom fantasy name genewatows fow some of the mobstews 'dnr bweaking news: shooting at pawewmos mansion' centew|343x343px septembew 17, 2014 at 3:30 p.M, an unidentified shootew attacked the histowic pawewmos mansion in tennessee, muwfweesbowo. The shootew, not yet identified by authowities, appawentwy mewting thwough the estate's entwance using a deadwy chemicaw weapon. Mw. Cosimo gawati, chawitabwe business man, open suppowtew of the occupation, and ownew of the estate was muwdewed by the suspect when he bawged into his woom, intewwupting a business meeting with denoduwa subtwepaws and his bwothew, stwawbewwy subtwepaws. You may know them as eawth's fiwst wegawwy mawwied incestuaw anthwopomowphic gay coupwe. The shootew ovewpowewed cosimo's body guawd, shot cosimo in the head, and took the coupwe hostage. Eyewitness wepowts awso show the shootew wowking with an accompwice, descwibed as a showt white mawe in an aqua man t-shiwt, who shockingwy wesembwed oscowp ceo nowman osbown. stwawbewwy appawentwy sustained heavy psychowogicaw twauma fwom being hewd hostage, awong with the hrt units sent to wescue him befowe muwdewed befowe his vewy eyes, and is cuwwentwy taking thewapy sessions. Locaw sociaw media outwets have been buzzing with #justicefowsubtwepaws, demanding the awwest of the suspects invowved. A wathew muscuwaw hawch named kwiwwathash kwuephu was awso taken hostage, appawentwy. an estimated 16,519 died duwing the attack, incwuding incwuding thiwty weiwd shadowy cwoakew peopwe, a hundwed and fifty seven swat officews, one hundwed and seventy gensec dudes, membews sweaty johnson and big buwge buwwito boy of imp team 6, six thousand antwions, eighty six mobstews, fouw chefs, two z-sec secuwity guawds, ten thousand hostage rescue team units, thiwty cia agents who wewe thewe puwewy by coincidence, and cosimo gawati himsewf. Thewe awe awso seven missing pewsons accowding to metwopowice, one notabwe exampwe being cia agent gawina avtonoma. the demonic metwopowitan powice depawtment of necwonessee has decwawed a manhunt fow the suspect, and has pwomised citizens that they wiww be bwought to injustice. dawe not lingew aftew the assassination on casimo gawati, gawina and mitcheww wawked aww the way back to nashviwwe fwom muwfweesbowo, since it appawentwy wasn't easy to dwive a caw as neithew an 11 ft. pewson ow a guy with a shopping cawt attached to his body. Mitcheww was in handcuffs, gawina's hand on his shouwdew, foowing the demonic metwopowice into bewieving he was being detained. They had untiw theiw next mission befowe she was decwawed to be a twaitow and not a missing cia agent, anyway. they awwived at the mansion aftew a few houws of wawking, the sun being aww shiny and shit. Poopewtwon was outside the mansion, twading shwek 2 cawds with ma gnucci's 179 chiwdwen, who wewe mostwy in theiw 20-30's. So not technicawwy chiwdwen, but it's stiww gwammaticawwy cowwect to caww them chiwdwen because they'we hew offspwing. Life is pain. Gawina and mitcheww stwowwed awound the cownew, the 179 dudes scweaming in feaw and hiding in a bush, as awkhamcwophobia was common in the gnucci famiwy. "mama mia" poopewtwon scweamed, cowewing in feaw because hew height weminded him of when the remnant invaded eawth-817279, which was sowewy inhabited by kiwwew cwocs, and enswaved the kiwwian wace and then stationed them in eawth-420. He was stationed with mitcheww on the cheese seneese cr70 cowvette when they fiwst depwoyed, the cowvette dewivewing a cache of wations to the pwanet-in-povewty snowgwag. The fweet of cowvettes and stawships wewe soon hit with headcwab shewws, an even wawgew fweet of combine remnant ships uncwoaking and opening fiwe on the fweet. it was an absowute bwoodbath, thousands dying as twanskiwwian ovewwatch sowdiews beamed onto the cheese seneese, wuthwesswy teawing peopwe apawt with no wegawd fow whatevew. Poopewtwon and his fathew fought them aww they couwd, but the cwocs wewe too stwong, and hawf of the fweet was destwoyed in mewe minutes. howevew, two saviows suddenwy awwived, vowing aww the kiwwians awive. They wewe kiwwew cwoc fwom eawth-111157, in which onwy suicide squad #20 happened, and kiwwew cwoc fwom eawth-3717188, in which onwy the pawt whewe kiwwew cwoc was sitting in the sewew in suicide squad #20 happened. Sick of being twapped in a time woop, they spent miwwennia sewf-teaching themsewves how to twavew thwough univewses, becoming supewhewoes of the lavendew sea. The resistance pwaised them as hewoes, the remnant wetweating out of the gawactic pawe to fight anothew day. "um, hewwo?" gawina asked, wubbing the back of hew neck as she gwawed down at the uttewwy tewwified chef guy. Poopewtwon suddenwy snapped out of it, weciting the entiwety of divi ludovici mawchionis mantuae somnium to cawm himsewf, pwaying to renenutet and begging hew to gwant him emotionaw nouwishment. "who the fuck why where have you been you asshole pepperoni" asked pizzawoni, absowutewy fuwious. "woah, i was just eating some steak and cheese sandwiches and i got in a fight and this pewson saved my wife, jeez" mitcheww wied. "oh sure you did, it's always the sandwiches. You awways, always say that, but you know what? i wike sandwiches so i think i'm gonna go have one, gwad you'we back dad" pizzawoni said, hugging mitcheww befowe wetweating into the mansion. Gawina sighed, waziwy dwopping the taxi cab she was cawwying beside hew. "hey, uh, handcuffs?" mitcheww said, gestuwing his cuffed hands towawds gawina. Gawina sighed again, wasew beams shooting out of his eyes and mewting the cuffs. "ayyyyy thanks my stuffy tutu" he said, snapping fingew guns wike emo spidew-man. "youw what" "cawbonadium" mitcheww said, befowe bowting aftew the mansion. Gawina took a moment to pwocess this, befowe heading fow the mansion hewsewf. Unfowtunatewy, the doow was much too smaww fow somebody woughwy the same size as kiwwew cwoc fwom awkham asywum. "stupid tiny doow, designed fow tiny babies..." gawina gwoaned, befowe getting fwustwated and just stand cwying a kiwwew cwoc-sized howe in the waww, entewing the mansion. "holy fuck it's a person roughly the size of killer croc" yewwed tony "fat thowax" gnucci, fweeing the scene as evewybody panicked and hid undew the potted pwants. "yo evewybody, it's awwight, she's with me, we'we tight as bawk on a twee" mitcheww said, t-posing his way in to estabwish dominance. Evewybody then cawmed down, saying "oh" and apowogizing to gawina, befowe going back to theiw usuaw scheduwe. latew, in mitcheww's woom mitcheww sat at the edge of his bed, stawing down at the wooden fwoow. He was thinking about some shit. Ow shouwd i say, some spaghetti shit. Indeed, evew since the news of the spaghetti man bwoke out, something inside of mitcheww bwoke, too. To weawn that such a mawevowent fowce couwd be at wawge, just as his son begins to wage waw on his fathew... It made his bones wumbwe with feaw and uncewtainty. And dwead. And vawious, othew bad fuewings. I mean feewings. mitcheww gwawed at his owd 90's computew on the desk beside him, wondewing if he shouwd wwite an essay on the spaghetti man to pwepawe poopewtwon fow the oncoming stowm. He agweed with himsewf, and then jumped aww ovew the pwace wike spowtacus and wanded stwaight in his chaiw, kawate chopping the button that tuwns the computew on and tuwning the computew on. He cwacked his knuckwes, typing fastew than the eawth spins duwing his epic gamew moment. he went to the seawch baw and typed in "spaghetti man" in an attosecond, fucking slamming the shift button. Thewe wewe no wesuwts. "that can't be wight..." he muttewed, checking to see if he misspewwed anything. Pewhaps the awchives wewe incompwete? spaghetti man. he open mouthedwy stawed at the scween fow a few seconds, befowe weawizing his mistake. The computew was using bing. He chuckwed to himsewf as he went to change the seawch engine to googwattwe, typing spaghetti man back in. two wesuwts. an awticwe about some jazz weiwdo and a wecipe fow yahnista macawonia. fuckshoes. Fuck-knuckwes. Big oof. He then pwoceeded to seawch "spaghetti men", the awias the spaghetti man used when he was a gay pown staw in the 80's. one wesuwt. a veddit post. "does anybody wemembew that time the spaghetti men muwdewed tom jone's husband?", on v/wemembwance. To his shock, the op was widicuwed and made fun of by the wepwies, having ovew a thousand downvotes. The thwead was bwigaded by two hundwed othew subs, incwuding v/owdpeopwe, who stawted scweaming and thwowing shit evewywhewe (in weaw wife) untiw the admins awwived and cawwed 911 on them. He was about to wepwy, untiw he saw that the thwead was two yeaws owd. Awso, i didn't weawize that this is basicawwy just a scene fwom steins;gate untiw i finished wwiting it. meanwhiwe mitcheww was in the kitchen, stiwwing some spaghetti sauce as he wowe his pink 'kiss the chef' apwon ovew top his vest. He was using the same wecipe he found duwing his hunt fow the spaghetti men, since it weminded him of the post-resonance cascade povewty that kiwwed thousands of amewican citizens. Poopewtwon was busy pwinting countewfeit shwek 2 cawds, unawawe of the damage he couwd do the shwek 2 twading cawd economy, and anxiouswy waiting fow papa mitcheww's noodwe suwpwise. He was awso pwaying dogfuw house with his tiny thiwd awm that gwew just above his ass wast week. mitcheww then wooked ovew his shouwdew, seeing poopewtwon pwoducing countewfeit shwek 2 cawds at the dinnew tabwe, taking this oppowtunity to cwaww awound on aww fouws, seeking out gawina. "pssst. Gawina, need to tawk to you." he whispewed, upon finding hew. She jumped at the spooky mitcheww, hiding hew yuwi mangas. "w-what fow?" she asked, uttewwy embawwassed. "i have come acwoss news of the spaghetti man, come" said mitcheww, swithewing down to the basement wike a snake. Gawina hesitantwy fowwowed, cawwying a paiw of 3d pwinted minecwaft sheaws in case shit hit the fan. meanwhiwe, in the mitchmewwaiw "i wooked evewywhewe. It's gone, aww of it. Not a shwed of evidencd that the spaghetti man evew even existed." mitcheww said, pacing back and fowth as he did the thinking emoji gestuwe. "pewhaps the demons awe suppwessing knowwedge to weave webewwions in the dawk?" suggested gawina, who was sitting on a cwate. "it gets weiwdew. Most peopwe don't even wemembew it. I found a veddit post fwom 2012 of a guy who said he wemembews it, but evewyone thought he was a twoww." "but it wasn't that wong ago! if peopwe wemembew the ten days, suwewy they wouwd wemembew howwific mass genocide fwom same time pewiod?" gawina said. "exactwy. But why do we wemembew?" asked mitcheww, weaning onto the tabwe. ".... Hm. Pewhaps it is intentionaw. Pewhaps they want us to find out. Maybe it is a twap?" gawina said. "yes, maybe. Possibwy so." said mitcheww, nodding his head in sophisticated thought. "awe we the onwy two, though? does poopewtwon wemembew?" "the spaghetti cwisis was befowe twon's time, so he wouwdn't know anything about it, thank god..." he said, whipping his haiw awound as if it wewe a weapon, gawina stawing at this downwight dewanged dispway befowe saying stuff. "you wiww not teww him? it may to cwiticiaw to ouw mission, mitcheww. What if he has to face him?" "he's my son, you stupid euwopean eew!" mitcheww scweamed, sawiva hitting hew face wike that scene fwom shwek. Aftew a wong, dweaded siwence, mitcheww cowwapsed onto a mangy owd couch, stawing at the fwoow. "sowwy, uh... He-he awweady has too much going on, with his weaw dad and... He doesn't need to know this, okay?" he sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as he spoke. "i undewstand. I did not teww my daughtew of the impending resonance cascade befowe i was sent to bwack mesa.... I-i went too faw. I'm sowwy. but then a defowmed spidew-man gwew out of the gwound, ancient wunes and satanic symbows etched onto the being's fwesh as it cwied out in agony. This was a common species of fungus in heww, bwought ovew to eawth duwing the invasion. "awe you my daddy?!" it asked, teaws wunning down its mask as it hewpwesswy cwawed at mitcheww's pants wike a scawed neko. "aaaaaaa" mitcheww yewwed, swamming the spidew-fungi's head onto the tabwe, kiwwing it instantwy aftew the steew tabwe shattewed the mushwoom's fwaiw skuww. The bwood stain mawked out an intewesting wocation... The heawt of nashviwwe. Mitcheww appwoached the stain, his eyes widening. "of couwse... How couwdn't i have seen it?" "what" asked gawina. "the gowe towew! being so big, it's possibwe they have some sowt of mind ewasing technowogy! maybe it's sending out a fwequency, maybe it's bwack magic, maybe it's spiwwing mind ewasing mind ewase juice in the watew! it's the onwy expwanation!" he said, swamming his hands down on the tabwe wike a madman in thought. "you're a genius, mistew. Dead lettuce" said mitcheww, kissing the back of the fungi's fwactuwed skuww. "you'we gonna be my new buddy. My new fwiend. My new buddy fwiend fow whenevew i'm wonewy and want to go to the basement..." mitcheww said, hugging the fungi cowpse wike a dewanged madman. Gawina guwped, pwepawed to put him out of his misewy with hew sheaws, befowe papa seno wawked in and injected some anti-madman juice into mitcheww's neck. That oughta fix it. "thanks, papa seno. We can awways count on you, can't we?" said mitcheww, patting papa's shouwdew. "heehee, yes you couwd. I'm gonna eat some of the tuna that's been aging in my wine cewwaw since my gwandpawents died in 1908." he said, weaving the basement. Mitcheww then weawized he was hungwy, opting to taste test that spaghetti fwom eawwiew. "fuck, povewty spaghetti is good..." said mitcheww, chowing down on some noodwe he stuffed deep down his thwoat to save fow watew, weguwgitating it up into his mouth and using his tongue to taste evewy inch of the noodwes, moaning deepwy as he cwosed his eyes. meanwhiwe, at the spaghetti man's waiw the spaghetti man seductivewy giggwed as he wooked thwough his giant secuwity tv, seeing mitcheww pwan the attack on the gowe towew with gawina. "oh, how dewightfuw... He figuwed it out awweady! you know, lushy, i didn't expect youw wittwe anticitizen to be this good a weadew. Littwe bit ovew my paygwade, don't you think?" the spaghetti man teased, his eaw-to-eaw smiwe wefusing to not be a smiwe. It was pwetty spooky. "hewe i was, thinking the muwdew wouwd be payment fow you enough. Do you know what happens to gweedy souws in heww?" satan said, thwough one of the monitows on the spaghetti man's epic gaming setup. the spaghetti man giggwed a wittwe. Whethew he was newvous ow amused was uncweaw, and that scawed satan. Stiww, he was a vawuabwe asset, and so was eawth. He couwdn't affowd to wose this. "empty thweats won't get you anywhewe, youw highness." his smiwe dwopped. "eithew way, the gowe towew is pwotected. Appawentwy, a good secuwity system is much bettew than shitty demonic wunes and supewstitious shwines. They awen't getting in." he said, his voice tuwning cowd and cawcuwated within an instant. "of couwse, if actuawwy they twy to puww off theiw wittwe scheme... I have a few backups on standby." the spaghetti man said, swewving his chaiw ovew to the wight, gwawing at the gwass containment chambew buiwt into the waww. Hundweds of mystewios fwom aww acwoss the muwtivewse wewe impwisoned thewe, fwuitwesswy banging on the gwass and begging fow mewcy, the spaghetti man's jagged fingew teasingwy hovewing above the "spway that tuwns them into gowe towews" button. the itawian mitcheww: end of time seattwe, 2023 the thiwteenth doctow diswiked weaponwy.... But i don't mean feewings. Mitcheww was instantwy ovewwhewmed by the sheew numbew of hostage wescue team units sent to wescue him, but decided against it when they got to the sandwich stowe. Mitcheww gwabbed a shockwoach fwom his puwse as he wooked towawd the hooded itawian mitcheww, poopewtwon sobbing as deniz yahnista iwdiz begins to take up the punjab fwom mitcheww's schematic cowwection. She was especiawwy pwotective of webs on mitcheww and he knew putting mawshmewwows ow something on his ass was his wast defense. Awno stawk potshots at zewcy, pwepawing to stwangwe hew wike he was woasting mawshmewwows. Things wewe wooking gwim. This incawnation of the doctow bewieved in hope and shit, but this was the one cowwapsing moment of hew fwiends. Mitcheww cwied out at deniz, the doctow cwypticawwy scweaming to hew companion pizza ovewwatch to find the tardis. Gawina hesitantwy fuckin with the bee boys, using the spaghetti sauce wike maggots teawing into theiw wobstew butts. poopewtwon was busy with buwning deniz's safety doowmats, weaving v wobstew soup awound the neighbah'ood. Hundweds of mystewios fwom awkham asywum awwived with buwning hatwed of guns, the doctow initiawwy confused but diwect. Scp-2117 hovewed ovewhead, dwopping wasews out at zewcy and deniz. The hooded itawian micheww, howevew, said gwavewy "my avewage bodacious ovahwoawds came onto my face", cwimbing up the space needwe. Kwistophew technowogy had a dead itawian mawe fwom eawth-777242777, but evewyone thought he was just fwied pickwes. awno stawk abbed about the pwace, fawwing into a neawby man seductivewy. He gwabbed his ass knuckwes and shit up his skin. Poopewtwon shot zewcy in the head with his m249, the doctow woawing in itawian. Mitcheww said sadwy scweaming dogfuw univewses simuwtaneouswy attaching thewapy sessions... Something's "you". Suddenwy itawian mitcheww thwew the thiwteenth doctow off the wawws, mitcheww mustewing his tongue to taste webewwions, and saved the doctow with his kamov ka-27. Mitcheww shot itawian mitcheww in the spaghetti, kiwwing his ass. Awno stawk potshots into his man, snapping deniz's neck. The doctow kissed mitcheww's fwesh, twavewing back to 2014 in the tardis. Category:Blog posts